These words were written late last summer. I'm so glad I wrote them down, because now looking back, I am so grateful that God writes change over us. He is always leading us toward harvest. He never leaves us in the broken places. He is a cistern of living water for us, and when we drink of Him, we truly do experience Life. I feel 100% no longer hurt over what happened last summer, but I have sweet compassion on myself. Emotional health journeys are slow but possible. Healing comes, often in the morning after a very long night.
I had some circumstances come up that threw a wrench into my week in a way that might linger for awhile. I articulated a needed boundary and someone said goodbye to me because of it. So today has had a lot of feelings. I sat quiet and spoke loudly and stomped my feet and leaned hard on a friend's shoulder. My eyes never got wet but I did consider crying which I count as one step toward emotional freedom.
I know that Holy Spirit has held me today. He has held me.
There's something in me that still admires the version I used to be who could choose joy like it was her job and who never felt all that sad for long. I have a real compassion for me just a few seasons ago. God was doing prep for now. But there's something growing in me that quite loves this version of me who is far more complex and confused and confident.
Freedom looks nothing like I expected it to look like. I genuinely thought freedom would look like an easy breezy lifestyle. But I'm learning it looks more like a small glimmer of hope in dark places, like whispered prayers of desperation, like shouts of confusion into what is NOT an abyss because Jesus IS near.
Today looks so different than I could have ever hoped for. I wrote on twitter the other week that I think it's easy to think that someone's life is their dream when their life is our dream. Yet I meet few people who say that the life they are living is the one they wanted. And and and! I meet some of the same people who aren't actually angry that the story line is what it is now.
I thought healing looked one way. But this whole "not my own understanding" thing continually switches everything. I love (I mean this) that God is God and I am me.
I don't hate this life. I don't always want this life. I trust God with this life. I love this life. I long for different things, for me and for you. Grace and peace to us, I believe He has it in plenty. (Editing to add: it's not an easy let down, but I really do believe that God is keeping me safe. So I am thankful for this hard circumstance.)