{a walk through} psalm 92

In general, I wouldn't say I'm a

forsure

type person. As in, there aren't a lot of things that I feel super strongly about.

Well, that's not true

, but I'm definitely not a fan of committing.

Or maybe it's more that I don't like admitting I like something because that makes me known.

I know, we're getting deep for a Thursday.

A few weeks ago,

on adventure day

, Christy and I were driving and I commented to her that I was listening to

boy music

more often. We had had a conversation three years prior (

I remember what people say to me

) about how I listened to girly music.

I'd been somewhat offended at the time, and had determined that that wasn't true.

As we listened to my

boy music

, she told me it wasn't boy music.

She also told me that I don't like being known.

I’ve been reflecting on that since then, trying to wrap my mind around

why that

is

 the case for me

.

I’ve got thoughts, and I’m writing them, but today I want to share something that I for sure know about myself, and that I’m happy to share.

I love playing on worship team. It’s my joy. Leading worship at church is one of my most favourite things to do. Looking at songs for weeks in advance, listening to the arrangements over and over, mapping out my charts, underlining the words that matter to my heart as I practice.

I love it.

When I read this Psalm, I loved that it spoke about worship.

Worship became hard for me last year. Physically and spiritually hard. It’s still not always easy, but for whatever reason, for my entire life, I’ve always felt freedom on stage. I’ve felt a freedom to worship God with an abandon I know nowhere else. I

think

 it’s because I know my music, and I’m not thinking, and I’m praying for my church, and I’m thinking through scripture that lines up with the words, and I’m just mindful of Christ and thus worshipful in my heart better than normal.

Two Sundays ago I was not on the team, but I was mindful. As I got ready for church in the morning, I was already praying about the service, asking God to speak. As I drove to church, listening to worship music, I asked God to give me back my abandon. To worship Him with freedom and no fear. And that Sunday I worshiped, alongside my church instead of on the stage, with a freedom I had not felt in months. It was incredible.

Worship. I love it.

Being know. It’s scary.

And that’s all she wrote.