The first verse of Psalm 127 talks about how the Lord has to be in charge for things to be successful. It speaks of a house being built. I had an image and an idea of what to write but then I kept reading.
I didn’t want to.
I don’t want to talk about Psalm 127 when it talks about how children are a heritage from the Lord, and how pregnancy is a reward. How a father is blessed if he has many children.
Why? Well. That is not my life.
I don’t want to hold up a flag of bitterness and I pray my heart remains postured in submission before God letting Him rule my emotions.
I also want to write honestly about this because I think it’s silly to pretend these emotions aren’t real.
Sometimes I read scripture and wonder what I have done wrong. What sin did I commit that hinders me from being a Mom? What lesson do I need to learn because after I learn it I can become a girlfriend and a wife?
I have to look to the cross as I feel these emotions because it’s there that I remember that His purpose is different than mine. I look at Jesus in the garden begging for the cup to be passed and I realize that if anything, I don’t understand His pain. So often I want Him to understand mine but really I don’t understand His.
I know enough theology to not let myself sit in these thoughts for long. I know that the story we each get is different. But I read verses like "the fruit of the womb a reward" and I wonder why my reward is a table for one.
I don’t think that it’s sinful for me to feel these things. I don’t think it’s wrong for me to be hurt and to wonder what it is that is wrong with me. I think it’s wrong if I sit in that hurt and don’t let myself leave it. It’s wrong if bitterness becomes my anthem.
But truly? Sometimes from the front of the church I hear things like “our families are our strongest asset” and how marriage is the very best thing to ever happen and I want to stand up and scream! I want to scream that our strongest asset is the cross! The very best thing to happen is redemption.
And I hear my friends when they say that marriage won’t fix problems, that children won’t fill the holes in my heart. And gosh I believe them. I don’t think anything fixes problems but Jesus.
But also sometimes I think they say those things because they think that their words will ease the pain of being single and I wish they wouldn’t.
Singleness is hard. It's not awful and it's actually nearly always fun. Most of the time I enjoy my freedom. But other times? It's hard.
It's a lonely path to walk, especially when we are shushed if we mention that maybe we are not quite okay with our lot.
Children are a blessing. I believe that. I’m pursuing education as a career because I love children. I have ten (and counting!!) nieces and nephews. I babysit often and adore children. I love them. I know they’re a blessing. I want all of my friends to have ALL the babies and toddlers and teenagers. They are a gift from God and I clap the loudest when another baby gets announced at church.
So don’t hear me saying that I’m anti-children. I’m not. I'm pro children.
I’m learning where to go with my lonely heart in a way that isn’t sinful and I hope I go the right way.
The right way is to the cross. It is in Christ where I find my satisfaction.
But let me tell you: Jesus is not afraid of the singles. He is not worried that we'll mess things up if we're honest about being sad sometimes. He's also calling us to lean on Him for guidance and not on our own (or Christian culture's) understanding.
So single friends. Take heart! God is for us.
Married friends. Take heart! God is for you.
He's for the singles and the marrieds, for the children and everybody!
And He is not afraid of our brokenness. In fact, He is the mender of all of our hurts.
Writing about being single feels like a calling and also like a burden I wish was not mine. It’s also a topic I don’t feel I’m allowed to shy away from. I hope these words are encouraging.
What about you? What do you do when your calling feels not quite like something you are excited about? Or when the things you expected to happen do not happen? What truths do you cling to?