Hard/Lovely

A few months before I moved from Vancouver to Montreal, I was standing on Granville Street bridge and asking the Lord for clarity.

I remember stomping extra hard as I walked across the bridge, because I was in desperate need of His wisdom and help. I was mad because I wanted Him to explain things within my own understanding. I did want to trust Him but it felt scary to have the option of a cross country move in front of me.

I wanted Him to say YES or NO, not I AM WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU GO.

Obedience felt distinctly safer than trust.

Fourteen months away from that bridge. Twelve months into living in the land of no ocean or mountains. And it's good.

It isn't good because it's easy. These ten months have held more transition that I would have thought possible. I would not have written my fourth upcoming move in a year. My years of constant moving were behind me, or so I thought. I've questioned my faith in new ways, and wondered why God thought I could handle some of these circumstances. I've screamed at the Lord that He has made this life too hard for me. I've whispered to Him that He has made this life too good. It's been months of pantry moths. It's been humbling myself to get a cafe job at 28. It's been learning new ideas and growing. This city has brought new friendships and some of the loveliest freedom around friendship I have ever known. It's been beauty and sorrow, and most definitely the longest winter. It has not been mountaintop experiences but neither was Vancouver.
Vancouver was job losses and dying to people pleasing. Montreal is constant moves and learning to be emotionally healthy.

This life is too hard on my own. Thank the Lord He never suggested that I go it alone.
This life is too lovely on my own. Thank the Lord He never suggested that I go it alone.