the broken beautiful


I saw last week that Ellie Holcomb had released a music video for The Broken Beautiful and immediately I clicked over to watch it. If you’re like me, you open music videos into full screen during your first watch. You watch fully, appreciating the textures and colours and stories you get to see. 

If you’re not like that, will you be for a minute? I’ve put the video below and I think it’s just beautiful. I think it’s worth your time. 

Watch it in full screen and then come back and read what it brought up in my heart.

Last year was the broken year. The whole year wasn’t broken, but the last five months were. 

Losing my job was probably the most hurtful thing I’ve walked through. It’s something I rarely talk about, mostly because when I do, it brings up hurts.

Whenever I think about it, and the hurts arise, I quickly pray blessings over my old co-workers. I don’t get to see them but I trust God with their salvation. I beg for it. I beg that He’ll do the good work only He can do to show them Himself.

The broken year. I went from a full time job to nothing at all.

In that moment of sincere brokenness, at the pushing of some wise friends, I fund raised to go to the influence conference. And it was beautiful. It was a beautiful part in the broken. 

So many moments from that conference are still treasured in my heart. Hugs with so many girls that I loved. Wisdom spoken over me by friends I respect. It was a weekend of peace amidst a broken season.

I got home and immediately had to move. That was the kicker for me. It was one thing to lose a job, but truly, the home was harder. It was hard to walk away from that apartment. I’ve only twice driven by it since I moved out in September because I can’t. I drive by and all I feel is loss.

 I soon found myself a new job. It wouldn’t start for a few weeks which worked well since a family vacation was upon me.

Again, it was beauty amidst the broken. 

I spent much of that week sitting myself, journaling and processing. I played with nieces and nephews, chatted with siblings, shared a room with my parents, and felt sweet joy in the sorrow.

I got home, spent a lot of time by myself going for walks, and soon started my role as nanny.

Nannying was beauty amidst the broken. Nap times were where the Lord healed my sorrows, and awake time was when He taught me patience and love.

It was amidst this season of healing, this quiet little time for my heart be healed by the Lord, that I started considering the future.

Not right away. From October to February, all I thought about was each day. I wasn’t looking at the future. I wasn’t making plans.

I even told the Lord that I wasn’t making plans because any plan I had ever made had been foiled by Him. Talk about dramatic.

This one day in February, for reasons I won’t share here, my heart got hurt by somebody. 

It got hurt and I let myself get sad for a few days. I also invited some friends into the sadness with me, as in I let them speak to me even while I didn’t really want them to.

One reminded me of our purpose in Christ. She kicked me in the pants. I let myself have that night to be sad.

The next morning I woke up and decided to think about the future.

I started thinking about what I wanted, about where I want my life to go, about the dreams I hadn’t let out of my heart for a long while.

I let myself trust in God again with my dreams.

I decided to go back to school. I started creating a new website (it’s still in the works). I made goals and accomplished them.

Recently my Mom said that while she wishes last year didn’t have to happen the way it did, since it more or less wrecked me, she’s glad it did. 

Because the hurts pushed me to healing.

My hurt pushed me to look to Jesus in ways I had never had to.

I'd never needed Christ as much as I did this last year.

And these are the thoughts that came to my mind from that music video! Yikes. so many thoughts. 

Where has God healed you? Where are you broken? Are you letting Him come into those spaces?