4 things I learnt about myself this past winter


 
1. I value routine and structure.
 
Outside of the Psalm series, I haven't blogged in pretty much two weeks. I haven't missed it (it being blogging) and I have barely written.

While I haven't missed blogging itself, I have missed writing but life has just been different. Between living at my parents for a few days for Christmas and then moving houses, it's been very non-traditional.

I'm excited to be back at work today; to create new routines.
 
2. I am more known than I realized.
 
On New Years Day, I sat with two friends over lunch. We wrote out goals and resolutions (some of which I will share soon). We challenged each one, getting to the heart of our resolves, and we pushed far deeper than simple surface goals. We obviously had the simple surface ones, but we also had the believe this truth that is hard for me to believe type resolutions.
 
After sharing something personal, one of my friends asked me a question. 
 
I looked at her, and at my other friend, and said, Can I be needy right now? Can you tell me why I have value? Can you tell me the good things you see about me? I felt selfish and awful in asking, but my friend nodded. 
 
She went through a list, a long and beautiful list. She shared things about me that I had forgotten, she shared things that I knew but didn't value, and she affirmed the things that I wasn't quite sure people even noticed.
 
As we continued to make our resolutions, we got to one category where I had no ideas. My friend spoke aloud an idea. I laughed out loud and wanted to cry. She knows me well. She knew that the goal she had said is one I would never choose on my own, but that I probably should. I am known.
 
3. Letting people in is a good decision.
 
This relates back to number 2. Throughout the fall I was in a Bible study. I shared some deeply personal things, things some of my friends in the study didn't know. Having them know has been good. 
 
It is hard knowing that the hurts I've held onto for so long are no longer a secret. It's scary to have a friend ask a question about something nobody has ever been allowed to know before.
 
That being said, letting people in is good. In fact, it's really good. It's been a long time coming, this letting people in. I've slowly let a few people in over the past couple years. 
 
A friend asked me recently why I thought I wasn't in a relationship and I actually said my reasons. My dark and dirty reasons that I think hinder a romantic relationship. They're far too personal to share on the internet, but having a friend know my why is helpful. Now this friend and the other who sat beside me, as I shared words I'd never spoken aloud to anybody before, can speak into my heart. They can both let me know when I'm listening to a lie, and they can point me toward the God who takes me as I am. The God who loves me as I am.
 
4. I'm not as vulnerable as people think.
 
This is one that I've seen coming for a while. I realized it when I read a post by Jessi Connolly a while ago about walls of vulnerability. As I read her words, I recognized myself. I recognized that I too, am quick to share with people. I love sharing my story, sharing things that many would consider personal. I love this online space, this space to be vulnerable and honest about the things I'm learning.
 
Yet I also hold much tightly in. This might seem redundant after the things I have shared above, but it really is a new things for me to be sharing many of these things with friends. 
 
My mentor knows many of the things I hold deep in, and sometimes it scares me when she references to something I've forgotten I've told her. She'll ask a question and I'll respond with I told you about that, always surprised that I shared so deeply.
 
So yes, I am vulnerable. I'm a vulnerable and authentic person. That's who I've been my entire life. But I also am far more guarded than I possibly should be.


 
It's been helpful to learn these things about myself. Have you learnt anything new about yourself lately?