unsure places, assured hope

Wording is everything right?
And puncuation.
And spelling.
And never starting a word with "and".
These past lines have nothing to do with anything.

I'm sitting on my couch as I write this, worrying, fretting, and not trusting.

Yesterday morning I whispered to Jesus:

I'm really unsure about what is next.
I'm really not sure where it is You're leading me.
I'm following the best I can, but I can't even see an inch in front of me.
It's like I'm in a wind skewed desert.
Or a blizzard basked land.
Or something else where I can't see - raindrops covering my glasses (aka the worst).

Two months ago I dropped out of college.
Probably one of the most drastic decisions I've made in my life.

I'm working a job I love but after today I don't have any scheduled shifts.
How do I plan for a future where there is no plan?

I'm not hopeless.
I've got hope in the God that calls me to pray
give us this day our daily bread

a prayer I pray daily right now.

So I'm not writing today to claim helplessness
Or to rest in sadness.

Because when it all stops.
When the clock slows and I'm lying in bed . . .
When the morning alarm goes off and I consider how to fill a day that is void of anything to do again . . .
and when my heart hears news that hurts it again . . .

even then
every single time

That hope remains.

Even if I'm too weak to put out the words and even if truth is the hardest thing to hear right now.

The truth is that God is still God.
His plan leads to His glory.
So why should I fear?

If the lillies and sparrows get to be pretty and cared for . . .
And if He took time to fill the ocean with fishies just for fun . . .
and more . . .

I can trust in Him.

Where I am going I am very unsure of.
But WHO I am leaning on - OH - that I am very sure.


As I thought much of this aloud and in my head and via my typing fingers, I remembered Matthew 16.

I'm still not quite sure how to live this out but I'm going to cast down my burdens and then follow His lead.

    Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?
(Matthew 16:24-26 ESV)