On My Heart

I'm writing with my eyes closed right now. That's odd right?

I had worship practice tonight. It was one of those practices that reminded me that there is a spiritual battle that impacts every aspect of my life. And that I (and all believers going through hard seasons) should be encouraged by opposition because it means we're doing good work for Jesus. It's means He is getting glory.

God is good. Jesus is holy. Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Father - they're God.
Satan is not.
Satan hates Jesus because Jesus is God and Satan is not.
Therefore, whenever I praise Jesus, Satan gets pissed.
When I choose righteousness over sin, I please the Lord and not the enemy.
When I count it all joy, I please the Lord and not the enemy.
When I forgive (yet again), I please the Lord and not the enemy.
When I repent and turn away from sin, I please the Lord and not the enemy.

Get the picture??

I don't always get the picture.
I serve myself far too often.

This week has been one that for me, exposed a lot of myself. I spent much time in tears this week before my Saviour.

My eyes are still closed. Are you proud of me for my typing ability? 

Just checking.

I feel like I consistently walk a fine line between authentic vulnerability and general authenticity without sharing everything because this is not where everything should be shared.


Tuesday ended with a melt-down. It was an ugly cry session with Jesus. He didn't get ugly. He held me close. The Holy Spirit worked His way into my heart and brought deep comfort.

I'd written that post on meandering words and how the last time I'd embellished when I said God brought comfort, but on Tuesday He genuinely did bring comfort.

In the form of sleep.
And peace.
And in simply allowing this girl to sob a lot.

I cried about events a year past. You're probably new here (okay, I just opened my eyes. It's too hard to write this stuff with my eyes closed - but I am legitimately proud of the fact that I lasted that long without looking at anything. Thank you typing class.) so you probably didn't know me last year. Last year tomorrow (awkward wording I know), anyways, a year ago tomorrow (Saturday), I went to summer camp for a week. I met a cool guy. We dated. It ended. And even though I'm thankful for each part of that story, my heart got hurt again this past week as I considered what could have been. It was just for a couple hours though (so don't start worrying or whatever). Then the tears melted into sleep and I woke up still sad but not quite so broken.

I cried about events currently going on. This girl is exhausted by this summer. I wrote a long paragraph about this and hit delete. There's no reason to go into it. I'm just tired from life. Situations are hard and there are a lot of people in my life struggling. I'm still learning how to cast others burdens correctly to Jesus without holding onto them myself. One of these days I'll totally get it right? Probably not. Good thing Jesus is God and not me. I'd suck at it.

I cried about events not happening. Singleness. Oh man. I tweeted sometime this week: "oh emotions".  I'm so tired of crying over the same thing. I was with a family this week who named their son Samuel which means the Lord has heard. I often ask Jesus how long I'll have to petition the same thing to Him. How long will I pray for this future husband? (I'm so tempted to delete this paragraph. I hate talking about not being content. I hate mentioning being single. I hate it all because it makes me feel as though I'm not trusting in God. But I do trust in Him. I trust in His timing and I consistently ask for His will over mine. It's still a longing though.) How long Lord? When will He hear? When will He respond? When is His timing going to be now? When am I going to trust fully and not question?
I cried about many things.

And in it all, comfort came.

That's what is on my heart. That God is good. That He is good and just and true.

I need Jesus soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

I can't do this life without God ruling it.

I took this photo last week. For some reason, I really like taking photos like this. I have too many shots like this. I made it the background of my phone because when I look at it, I see a foot that is walking forward, never quite confident, but always moving. I want to always be moving where God wants me to go, never confident in my own self, but fully leaning on HIM.