There's a battle going on currently for me. It's not very difficult or hard - but it's evident and seems to be growing.

It's between who God's calling me to be and who I've been for a while.

See, I'm a social butterfly. The amount of times I've been called that is almost embarrassing.

Sometimes the statement confuses me because I lived most of my life (aka high school) feeling out of the in crowd.

I grew up feeling as though I had to fight to fit in.

My heart grew harder and harder. But instead of pushing people away, I would continually invite them in. I would trust people and forgive endlessly, but not as a demonstration of my love for Christ. Simply as a means to survive and come off as a good Christian. If I left room for people to hurt me and expected them to, then I somehow wouldn't be as hurt when they succeeded my expectations.

I graduated high school and went overseas. It was one of the first times where I felt as though I could be cared for who I was. However people always came and left given the short-term missions nature.

Fast forward to moving to Vancouver a couple years ago. It took me a couple months to feel comfortable being in church again after spending a season fulfilling my selfishness and not living for Jesus. Eventually though, church started to feel like the home again. (Now church is my favourite place to be. There's no where I would rather be than surrounded by my church community learning and growing together)

I got involved. I started making friends. And every few months or so, I would find new friends. It was a safeguard and it worked. Before they could hurt me, I would just walk away. I would keep in touch and hang out occasionally but mostly I would just try to protect myself by running away. I said it worked right? Yep. Cause it did. I protected my bruised heart.

Up until recently, I haven't thought much of it. It just seemed natural.

But recently, God's been doing some work on my bruised heart.

He's been whispering things like,

I know you're ready to run, but you're not allowed to this time.
You need to tell them about your fear.
Trust in Me. I'm with you in this.
It will be hard to stay, but fleeing needs to stop.
This time you're going to remain. 

A few months ago, I met a cool group of people. It came at a time when I was really hurting. Some situations were causing me to struggle and to be honest, I was fleeing my last set of friends. Not because they had done anything to hurt me, but to ensure that I would save them the trouble of needing to hurt me.

This past week, I hit the three month point.

I'm the queen of three months. I can be excited about something for rarely more than three months. If you look back at almost any season I've ever walked through, you'll see a pattern. Three months in things always being to need a change.

I'm three months into this group of friends. Eek.

Everything in me is telling me to flee. Everything in me is so scared to remain.

Because before I went to the church I'm in now and actually loved Jesus, people always failed me and Jesus wasn't that real to me.

People will always fail us because we're all sinners in need of a Saviour. God will always sustain us because He is that Saviour. That's how it works.

God is filled with love.

God replaces our fears with faith. He covers our scared souls with His gracious love.

I need more grace and He gives more. I think I've got enough and He gives even more. Praise Him!

Remain in Me. Only if You're willing to help me. Have I ever failed you yet?