One of my big heart thoughts this last weekend after spending time with my sis was how I usually feel like a contradiction. Constant personal hypocrisy of heart in a world of people who seem to be doing better at dealing with life.
I used to think that living a life of belief in Christ would be quite simple. My spiritual gift is faith, so my tendency is to say, "the Bible says this, so that's what we'll do". I can miss some compassion for others, and for myself.
I can get confused at the fact that much of life feels multifaceted instead of one answer fits all.
Lately I see a lot of confusion in my heart. I see answers that aren't "yes" or "no" so much as, "walk forward with Me and I'll show you what you need to know". I hear the Spirit saying, "I raised Christ and I am in you", and I hear the Father reminding me that I work out of finished work, so my fear isn't helping. All of which helps me but doesn't ease the confusion necessarily.
And all that to say, I have a lot of questions. I'm on twitter more these days and kind of a mess for it. The brokenness of this world is endless. Maybe I hadn't caught on to what Jesus said about experiencing trouble. Maybe I thought that was more personal, that we could individually take heart because He is with us. Yet what about for others? How do we take heart while also taking action? How do we discern which of the billion problems are the ones for us to put our time into? I really don't know.
I see needs and don't quite know how to cope. And I feel that hypocrisy within me because I'm angered at injustice in Syria and then pissed at a bus company for no outlets in a bus. I'm broken for another black child being shot and for my friends of colour facing fears around police I'll never know and then moments later I am jealous at another friend's ability to fall in love.
Maybe this means nothing to anybody else, but maybe my biggest takeaway from all of my thoughts as of late is that I will never outgrow the contradictions.
And as I told my sister a few months ago, I am learning to acknowledge my contradictions and not hate myself anymore. I can't and won't excuse sin, but I can and will extend grace.