Numbers matter. Right? Or they don’t. But they certainly impact.
We see a number in a variety of forms and are affected. The number atop the bus that arrives tells me if today is an on-time day. The number flashing across my phone determines if I’m about to FaceTime a family member. The number on the oven clock that I glance at as my phone chimes my “leave soon or be late” alarm sometimes disarms me. The number atop the bill somehow always feels higher than necessary. The fluctuating number of nieces and nephews I have makes me gratefully burdened to be a part of a fostering family. The number of times I have experienced generosity is too high to represent.
30 comes like a friend. Like a woman I’ve wanted to know. Like a friend I’ve been emulating. Like a bully from grade 6. Like a counsellor holding space. Like a tight squeeze on my right hand and a wipe of tears with my left. Like a deep belly laugh – a release of the former tensions.
Mostly unmet expectations. Yet so many stories that are far better than my small dreams thought to draft.
Disappointment regularily needing to be tamed. Hope coming up against hope every single time. A loyalty to joy and simplicity I pray that I never lose. All glory be to Christ.
This woman is sometimes who I hope to be, and yet often misses the mark. This woman holds fast to the truth that is grace upon grace and she begs for a remembering mind for the days when she’s unsure. She’s sillier than she used to be, no, she’s sillier with more people than she used to be. She’s more tender hearted, in the sense that she allows for sadness to be an acquaintance instead of an enemy now. She’s still her best with the younger ones, and still wonders what it would be like to have younger ones of her own.
She has a long way to go. She doesn’t believe the highest calling is contentment anymore. She’s contemplating what is the higher calling. As a single woman, she always thought (read: was told) contentment was the key to happiness. But lately she wonders if maybe the key is believing that God has more and more for everybody. Believing that God has a tomorrow in place so it’s worth it to ask hard questions and see what He says.