I wrote these words:
Sometimes I stress about things and God says, “why are you worrying about that - just wait a couple pages. I’ve got your whole book up here”.
I live a life of pages. God's font, writing, and spacing.
I was driving to Portland with Bethany a few weeks back, we talked about a lot of things.
It was pretty much the drive of theology followed by a couple days of more theology.
I don't think I've ever talked theology as much, in as great of detail, and with such a raised voice before.
We disputed - we disagreed - we fought - we encouraged - we agreed - we agreed to disagree - we would take breaks to get fuel (aka scripture to back the things we were unsure of yet confidently stating) - we would take breaks to calm down - we could continue - we had a lot of fun.
I'm not a disputer. I don't like conflict. I love talking about Jesus but I don't like fighting over the specifics. God however, is challenging me to speak up about what I believe.
He doesn't let me sit in silence.
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.
“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.”
(John 14:15-21 ESV)
On the drive down to Portland, as I drove I asked Beth to be my scribe whenever I had ideas for things to write here. Often I'll get an idea so I'll grab my phone and email it to myself. That's a lot harder to do that on a six hour drive when your phone is turned off.
One of the things I got her to write down was "not for me to know (pages)" because as we talked amidst our drive, I could feel God speaking to my heart.
Hey Nadine, why are you still so concerned with those things?Hey Nadine, remember how you don't have eyes that have spanned time, both today, tomorrow, yesterday, forever forward and forever ago? Oh, you don't remember - okay well remember that now okay.Hey Nadine, just rest in Me.Remember Nadine, I've got the whole book up here. Let yourself rest in the page I've placed you.. . . the page I placed you.Rest in me.
So as a reminder to myself, I'm writing these words down that I wrote in my journal the day after Beth transcribed for me.
Because while I might feel dry and I might feel as though I'm in a battle, I want to fight well and survive off the water I know is living - which is that of Christ.
It's not for me to know:- what page I'm on- if I'm at the beginning, end, or middle of a chapter-when it all ends- who all the characters are and what their role is (both long-term and short-term)
I might like to know all things, but I can't because I am not God.
I might like to know where I stand and how long I have to wait for the things I desire, but I can't because I am not God.
I might like to decide what will occur in the future, but I can't because I am not God.
Then Moses said to God, “If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what shall I say to them?” God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.” And he said, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘The LORD, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.’ This is my name forever, and thus I am to be remembered throughout all generations.
(Exodus 3:13-15 ESV)
I think I am starting to get the picture.
God is the I AM.
“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.
(John 14:1-3 ESV)
That brings peace even to my own currently restless and uncertain heart.
I may be unsure as to the things He is doing and their purpose in my life but I do not doubt who He is and that He is working for His glory.
Even when I lie in deep doubt and have giant tears flowing as I cry to Him, I never ever want Him to stop receiving glory.
I cry out for understanding.
He brings comfort to all who call upon His name.
“These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. You heard me say to you, ‘I am going away, and I will come to you.’ If you loved me, you would have rejoiced, because I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe.
(John 14:25-29 ESV)